holy orders

I am just an ordinary rock, but there is new life growing from my broken spaces. Can a flower grow from broken rocks? Because the joy that is filling up all the broken spaces is a joy that cries to be expressed the way flower longs to open up to the sun. A rose blushes and exudes fragrance, an Elm tree lifts her arms and cradles the breeze; what is it, God, that You want to express through me? Is it vanity that makes me want to show my true colors, that makes me want to "give utterance to that which is inside me?"
I spoke with Father James, telling him about this longing to become more fully what God intended me to be, that I've been looking into different religoius orders because I am afraid to follow my own whims. I need a gardener, someone who will look at the spots on my leaves and know that I need a different kind of nutrient and feed it to me. Or if he sees a crazy offshoot that needs to be pruned he will prune it. And he will know how much water and what kind of light I need. I need a superior, someone who will give me Holy Orders. Right now, sickness dictates how I live my life. Some days I hurt so much that I can barely move, some days I am more able to be out and about, to be of service to people. But I can't commit to anything because I never know if I'll be able to follow through. I am so inconsistent. I want my life to be directed by higher orders than illness; illness is not the Superior I trust. Or is it? Is the illness itself pruning and shaping me into what God wants me to be? I pray for submission to His will whatever it may be.